I just put on “Every Morning”

I just put on “Every Morning” by Sugar Ray. As the song started up I was struck by the idea that, in the end, everything is going to be ok. Last night I drank, I got drunk and it was like so many nights before. My brother called me on the way home and asked if I wanted to meet for a beer. One beer led to more.

Before he called I felt I was so incredibly sad about everything. Now though I think it might all work out. That I can sort myself out. That I actually will.

Twitter

So, I started a Twitter. I intend to be tweeting like a motherfucker.

http://twitter.com/GuyManMcDude

Life

Drinking and dreaming. That’s been the story of my life thus far. Procrastinating the fuck out of everything, and doing nothing.

I’ve got to do shit, man.

And yesterday

...And yesterday I drank so, so much alcohol. It’s hazy towards the end. I don't remember going to bed.

Today I looked at myself in mirror. I think that I look my age. My hair is greying; family genetics are what they are. I turn twenty-eight in March. In some ways I still feel seventeen. No one ever told me that growing up was like this.

I’m lucky,

I’m lucky,

Kevin died last week.

He was my uncle.

I’ll explain latter.

2009

With this post 2009 becomes my most active blogging year.

Another Weekend

Another weekend draws to a close. As I sit here I’m filled with an impending sense of dread, and I don’t know why.

And...

…and in the cold, sober light of day those drunken blogs don’t make that much sense.

More than anything…...

Nothing is simple. We are all weak.

More than anything…...

Waking

Waking up shit. Well that was what was it was.

Blog

Well, it isn't like that...

Not all the time like that.

And, well, I woke up this morning and was struck with the idea that I would die alone. And, this beer, shit, isn’t like real shit at all.

Bang

Bang...

Bang!

Would be simple.

Well

And I’m, Immune system, pushed…

And it isn’t like that…

And, well, if I was braver than I am, well, then I would always ask, every kind of question…

What

What this shit is; is what this shit is. That is...

Control + N

Well, shit isn’t like that.

Drunk as fuck…

Crazy.

And well…

All complaints have been about sound…

Tommorrow.

I think that tommorrow evening I shall drink beer.

I think

I think I wrote something like my last entry before. I can’t remember when. Must be years ago now. It just shows how little has changed. Years later I’m still writing the same old shit.

Class of 2000…

Class of 2000…

I see no one from my year. It’s more my fault than anyone else’s. I’m not the best at keeping in touch and after a while people stop reaching out.

I liked high school. I don't think I realised how lucky I was at the time. Nowadays I look back, years after it’s over, and think, “Yeah, that was cool. That was fun.” I wasn't popular or unpopular. People did think me a little weird. Shit, I am a little weird. Everyone was cool though, especially in the last few years.

How the time passes…

Part of me misses being eighteen. The frustrating thing is when I was eighteen I never realised how lucky I was. Most eighteen year olds don’t though. Now I’m close to thirty, and it seems so surreal. I worry about time. Get scared by it. Realise how precious it and how fast it goes. Work a job. Weeks go by in a flash. Wish I tried more shit when I was really young. Laid better foundations. Seized the day more than I did.

High school’s over, and it has been for a long while. It’s a time and place I can’t recapture. Sometimes that makes me sad. I’d give my youthful self so much advice.

If only I had my time over…

Sad thing is. If I had my time over part of me realises that I would still make the same mistakes.

As I write this I know that when I’m inching in on forty if I write about my late twenties the piece will have a similar tone to this one. A eulogy for wasted time and missed opportunities. It will be a similar kind of lament, “Why didn’t I realise how lucky I was at twenty-eight?”

Eram quod es, eris quod sum

If I have ever a gravestone I want this to be the inscription...

"Eram quod es, eris quod sum."

In case you're wondering it's Latin.

Yeah, I know that last time I was drunk I said I wanted my ashes scattered on the Vegas strip.

Ice Cream

Just ate a tub of Chocolate Obsession ice cream.

So much sugar...

I have to get my eating in order. Been binging like a motherfucker the past few weeks.

Sitting here

Sitting here. I’m scared. Worrying about my self, my life and my lifestyle.

Am I ever going to make that change I continually talk about? I turn twenty-eight in March. That’s a trip. It’ll be ten years since eighteen. Ten years since high school. I was part of the class of 2000, and in a couple of months it’ll be 2010. Where does all the time go? Shit, I’ll be thirty soon. I’m getting old. Well, older anyway.

At some point if I keep living the way I have been, well, something is going to give out. It has to. Drinking seventeen beers on a Saturday night. The weekend. One day I think that my weekends might kill me.

How many beers have I drunk this decade? I couldn’t even put a figure on it.

I need to help myself. I really do. This simply can’t go on. If it does at some point, maybe sooner maybe later, I'm going to pass the point of no return.

Better

I feel much better than I have any right to. I mentioned this to my brother. He said, "That's youth. It will wear off."

Also...

I do write some waffling shit while drunk.

So...

So, I drank far too much last night. I must have had about seventeen beers. I'm awake now but feel oh so tired.

I can’t keep doing this shit.

But

But, I also don't want to be alone. Not really alone.

I have my people. My family. More than anything it’s the moments. Shared moments. It’s not just genetics. It’s the moments we share, or have shared.

You might be cool, but I'm me, and you probably don’t get that. You aren’t working your way into my inner circle.

---

And well...

I might be a tiny bit aspergers .

My brother thinks so anyway.

Maybe he’s right.

Who the fuck knows…

My oddness is, well, part of me.

Stuff

I've never been there, but if I die, I want you to scatter my ashes on the Vegas Strip. I know nothing about the reality of it. I want to see the fights though.

Seriously, scatter my ashes there.

I want to see the fights.